Macaroni and it ain't pasta...

I was born with green eyes, literally, they change shades at times from bright green to blue... The worst shade they change into though is when they turn green "with envy"... yes they can turn really deep green with envy. One such time was when the new First Family entered the White House, in Washington, DC... this was a very young first family, having two very small children. This was the Kennedy family, President John Kennedy, his wife "Jackie", their two children Caroline, and John... referred to as "John-John" by the press. I was a young child myself and a spoiled one at that, but the one thing I really wanted was my own pony. Now I was taken to stables and allowed to ride ponies whenever I wanted to. But the real "ownership" of a pony was denied me, an act that did not sit well with me. I tried to compensate for this longing and loss I felt by having a large collection of play horses and many rocking horses... These on some level calmed the longing within me and the "annoyance" I felt against my parents for daring to deny me a pony!!! That is until Caroline Kennedy arrived on the scene... You see when she moved into the White House, she was allowed to bring many pets with her, there was Charlie the dog and others as well. This was okay with me for I had cats, dogs, fish, birds and my brothers having snakes and frogs. Things were fine until I saw on TV a horse trailer being unloaded at the White House and out came the "most beautiful pony" ever!!!! I fell in love instantly, there on that little TV in my living room was my dream, that was the pony I was suppose to have for it was already mine in my thoughts and dreams... This tiny little stead was a stuffed animal come alive, a fairy tale waiting for me, there it was... Then I learned this pony belonged to Caroline Kennedy, and its name was "Macaroni"; Macaroni was brought to live on the White House Property so Caroline could keep up her riding.... How unfair I thought, this cannot be, she has a pony at her home and I cannot have one... My parents paid for this with my whining and complaining... "I want a pony"... If this girl, (in my green eyes she was a brat) could have a pony at the White House, why not me... To add further pain to this injury of mine, the press showed that pony and Caroline endlessly... the pony even had a photo session with the President... To this day I am not a fan of Caroline Kennedy, I think it stems from the Macaroni incident... This pony incident was my first taste of life being unfair.... but I must say my dad felt really bad not giving me a pony as did my mom, they tried to reason with me... that they did not have the time to take care of a pony or the place to put it... Reason was not what I wanted to hear (not so much even now), I wanted a pony.... Why tell you this story of green eyed envy... first, it is not a nice thing to do... But the greater thing is... hold onto to those childhood dreams you may see them yet... I did not have a pony as a child, but I was able to give my two children their very own ponies, the first one on Christmas Day, a pony that they both shared. Then they were given their own ponies and Jozlyn had several, either owned or leased for her. So there is a God, not a fan of greened eyed with envy little children, but of little children that have dreams about ponies and things, he will answer such things if you believe and have faith... I ended up with, "5" ponies when your moms were small and even a newborn one... And now I see why my parents said no, they are a lot of work and take up much of your time and most of your money... Yet, I thank God for hearing this little girl's prayer for a pony... he could have sent one, yet he sent 5, and the ability to see the joy in the eyes of mine daughters as their blue and green eyes lit up upon seeing their very own pony for the first time... So Caroline, if I ever meet you my eyes will twinkle with delight and do not mind if I say... nana-nana... I "had" 5 ponies to your one... did I ever tell you grandchildren I can be a brat ??? When you are older though it is called being a bitch... (this phrase I am sure will be deleted by your moms, but they know that I am one, they lived with me)... To give testimony to my being a brat and having green eyes towards Caroline Kennedy... I still remember a song that was song about her when she came to the White House.... it went like this. "My Daddy is President" My daddy is president We make a happy pair learning my alphabet ABCD..JFK I don't play dollies I play the game of government Because my daddy is president... So you think I had issues in life... you bet... don't mess with my pony...

Always a "Little Lady"

I was always a "lady" as a small child, more so then now. I acted in a way, beyond my years with the please, the thank yous and the proper way to eat and dress. I was actually very condescending thinking back on others who did not display such traits, as if I were a Princess from a Royal Court that sat with the naves... I would try to correct their behavior and teach them proper ways... Yet I did not judge on a level other then, manners and style. I felt strange inside at times, thinking these are the poor, the unhappy, (okay this is going to sound weird), these are the ones that I have come to serve and must teach. Never really knowing how, but knowing then needed "manners", of sorts... I always was and am now very "girlie", I enjoy being a girl as the song title goes. I like pretty things, girlie things. And I so think like a girl, this causing me many problems with my males counter parts, I usually place them in a position of wanting them to think like me, a woman, then getting disappointed in them when do, telling them "be a man". Men in my life never had an easy time of it... But my grandsons they are a different story, they own me, in them I see sweetness and love that I never saw or I never allowed other males to have. So to my grandchildren be of good manners throughout your life make me proud. Be of good men and women as well. Remember as men you will never be able to think like a woman, so expect your hits from them in life. To my granddaughters go easier on men then I did, cut them a little more slack then your grandmother showed most of them. Yet as a woman do so in secret, let them think you are a mystery, even when you know your heart is an open book. I hope each and every one of you find one day your compliment, that some one that makes who you are complete. That one someone that was created just for you, to "fit" your space and no one else will do.

My own Santa Claus

Yes, there were times in my life that I could have been called the golden child. Your great-grandpa, owned a business, at the time I was young this was a very family oriented business. At Christmas my dad would hire Santa Claus to visit for a day. I was told that this Santa Claus came just for me, and he always had special gifts to give me. My doll collection was impressive, as were my music boxes. I would sit and watch the little figures dance and dance, mesmerized by them. I had two favorite, one being a "pink ballerina", the other a "couple" dancing together, he in a military looking suit and she in a ballgown. I was very much a prissy about my things, I do not remember ever breaking a toy or soiling one. I "guarded" them with care and "watched" over them. You could not play with my things unless you were given my permission, I had a share issue, as of today I still do!!! I have to say this was and is not a good trait to have, looking back upon my parents, they loved me to pieces, but they failed in some ways as all parents do. I was truly raised to expect, that I was here to be cherished and loved not just by them but by everyone.... Now that I just wrote that last statement, what a beautiful one it is, and in writing this I see my parents did not fail but held me up to a level of society that we do not have on this planet. It would be a beautiful planet, a wonderful world if everyone was "taught to be cherished and loved by everyone". My ability to love anything in life was due to my first being loved, as a child, my ability to treasure another in life, is due to my being treasured as a child, and my ability to want the best within my heart for others, due to being given this from the heart of my parents to me. The roots of love where planted deep by my parents in me, and it was and is these roots that have kept me standing during the many storms and trials that I have been through in life. Their raising me to be "special" allowed me to remain "special" within, when no other thought of me as being anything but useless. Yes, I was a golden child at times, many times though the gold was tarnished by time and abuse. Unrecognizable as being a precious gold anymore, it is at those times an unknown hand took over this piece of gold and shined it up ever so painfully. It takes a lot of rubbing and polishing to make something shine again... I do not know how it will turn out... maybe at the end I will be brought back to the little nugget of gold that my parents hoped for so many years ago and I will once again shine.

First memory of "real" history

I did not like school, so when anything happened to interrupt class I remembered, even when I was very small. In the grade school I attended they had a large auditorium for group activities within the school. The entire school could easily gather in this place for various programs. Now on this occasion I was very small sat with a group of older children. The entire school was called into the auditorium, now I do not remember clearly what I actually remember of this day first hand or if what I recall now was from history books. It was the flight of Alan Sheppard, he being the first American in Space. This was a very big thing for all of America. The country stopped during this time, all were fixed upon their TV screens, this was unheard of, a man being "shot" into space. What would happen, would he live??? So in this tiny school, Public School # 9, there I was very small, happy that class was out and pleased to be in the auditorium... I have no other memory of this, other then it was a very big deal and class was let out for it... And a TV was on and there were cheers and awes when the rocket went into the air.

Say it isn't snow!

I am at my computer on this day snowed in, at a small cabin in the woods, how I got here I do not know. This place is not where I was suppose to be at this stage of my life, indeed I would never have imagined being here at any stage. I reside in place of merger means and no real access to during storms, truly I am in isolation here. The up side this causes me to think, to write and capture thoughts of the past to leave with you, so they will live forever with you in place called your heart, for although I "reside" in a cabin, I write this blog from my heart to you my grandchildren. During your lives on earth there will be many places you will "reside" in, as I have had many. I was concerned in the past that these many changes of addresses would cause me not to have any roots... Until I learned that roots are not in a location or address they are within you. Your "house" can be anywhere, your "home" is wherever you are. It does not matter the condition or size of your, "house", it does matter the condition and the size of your, "home". Your home must always be big enough for just one more, no matter what is going on inside you, there is always someone who is being challenged harder in life and that is the just one more that you need to bring into your "home", open up your heart to that one and shelter them with your kindness, caring and love. So keep a light always burning in your, "home", your heart, and I promise, no matter where I am, be it in eternity or time I will see your lights shine and send you my love and you will feel this, inside, this "home" of yours. I tell you now for all the times I should have, or needed to do so more, or can not longer do, I will love you forever. When I leave this planet there will be no earthly goods or remains from me to bestow upon society. Yet there will be the greatest of all of these things in the persons of all of you. Each one of you is my legacy to the world, my prayer for it to change and become of peace and love. For that is the planet I wish for you all to inhabit and for all others upon it... An era of peace, long ago promised by someone much greater then us, that is where I hope you will be residing someday.

Going to school

Unlike how you were raised and how I sent your moms to nursery school and pre school, this was not done when I was growing up. For the most part if both parents worked, as mine did the other parent would babysit the children, or another family member would. Hence my first experiences with my peers was my first day at Kindergarten. I actually remember bits and pieces of this... I remember it as just being a place where you were babysat, no real learning went on there and you also took a nap. Kindergarten was only half day so it went by fast. I do remember having long blond hair that was put into braids a lot. By the time I was in first grade I learned, that learning was always going to be hard for me. I did not know why then, I just thought I was dumb as most children with any learning disability did at that time. As grades past and I got older this just became worse for me, for my foundation was not there and I fell further and further behind the learning scale until I gave up on myself and just put in the time. I did not learn phonics or reading skills at all hence I do not have any spelling skills and the use of correct grammar is not a talent I have. Math was a nightmare, I could not learn it in conventional ways and that just got worse. This all being second to my inability to learn a foreign language, that would make me cry I was so totally unable to do this yet had to take it in school. My exposure and experiences in academics was weak and sad to say the least. I often wondered what would I be if they picked up on this as they do now with children with such difficulties. I also have a tumor on my skull, I was born with it. My mom took me to the Doctor and he stated that it was a fatty tumor and it should not cause any problems in life unless it grew, then I would need surgery. It never grew but it is located in a area of the head that involves linear thinking, the capacity to learn.... One will never know the reasons in life why we are born, why we are given the graces in life we have, or the handicaps, they just are... but I do wonder at times... how would it have been different for me. At the risk of sounding like an egoist... I will never know my potential, my real IQ for I can not even test for this properly due to my lack of learning skills and reading abilities.... I think at times who am I inside, what knowledge is there that never came out, it did not know how....

Television and movies when I was a child.

Televisions were not like they are today when I was small. No my first memory of a TV was of it being small, images in black and white, no color to the picture on the screen. Then one genius? Or a man with a really good gimmick invented the plastic sheet that you would place over your TV screen and it would make the images appear in color... nice thought but it did not work.. But this little black and white TV created in me an everlasting love of old black and white movies. Especially the ones that were favorites growing up... such as the Thin Man series, Charlie Chan movies and Mr.Motto. Of course there was Abbott and Costello as well. I do have a faint memory of the Howdy Dowdy show. Vivid memories of Roy Rodgers, Rin-Tin-Tin, (he was a dog),Lassie,(the dog that shaped my future for choosing canines) Fury (a horse), Flicker (another horse),and lots of different variety shows. I also remember Gary Grant movies, Jimmy Stewart movies... My brothers were into the cheesy monster movies that came out of Japan. As well as King Kong. Mighty Joe Young and other such horror movies, (the crawling eye and the "thing"). My dad liked to watch cowboy movies and war movies, I hated them both. I remember the Mickey Mouse Club, the Flintstones and the Bob Hope Christmas specials and the Jerry Lewis telethons. Also the Loretta Young show my mom thought she was so beautiful and I kind of remember Doris Day. There was the Red Skeleton Show and one I really liked for it was off the wall the Ernie Colfax show.. As I got older there was Star Trek, the man from UNCLE, I spy, Get Smart, the Monsters and the Addams Family. I very rarely as a child went to the movies in a theater... but we went to the drive-in movies at least twice a month weather permitting... I remember as a small child being placed in my PJ's and taken to the drive-in.... I also remember the bug spraying that went on each time. A large truck with a spray on the back would fog the entire area with these chemicals in every row!!! These are the same chemicals that were banned when I became a teenager as being highly toxic and deadly to people... maybe that is why I write so many blogs... sprayed to many times..:) My dad in his bar had a "state of the arts" TV for the time, it was a large screen projection TV. This was to draw men into the tavern to watch sporting events. My father took the TV out when the men started to watch to much TV and did not drink enough! He then placed a juke box, scuffle board table in the tavern. I loved the juke box, part of the deal my dad had with the man who leased the equipment, I was to receive on a weekly bases all the new 45's that were released. Hence I had some record collection as a kid. And of course I was given a portable record player, best of its time to listen to them on, in my playroom... I love music then and now. I wished I would have kept some of these records and especially the albums they are worth money, such ones like the original Beatles albums. Speaking of the Beatles I remember as a kid seeing them arrive on TV and then watching them on the Ed Sullivan show, I was not impressed. I was to young to remember Elvis Presley. I do remember the first Broadway show I was taken to it was Camelot, with Richard Burton, Juliet Andrews and Robert Goulet in the starring roles.